My Story

I grew up in Southeastern Europe, in a place I loved up until one point. Then, the war broke out in the area and all hell broke loose.

In a couple of years span, my life transformed from a perfect childhood to a “twilight zone”. Not only was I in puberty, but my parents were getting divorced and the society around me spin out of control. No one had time or energy to worry about the kids. The street mentality took over in my school.

I became a favorite victim of a group of bullies and every day at school was a nightmare. This was 6th grade so it wasn’t really a “gang” and none of the teachers took it seriously. The “kids” were suffering so they acted out, that was their thinking. To me, they were senseless monsters  and I did not know how to fight back.  I was sexually abused, but not raped. But in my mind, I was raped because I was so humiliated. And I thought it was my fault.

One of the main bullies had a nickname that translates to “the Devil”. I am not making this stuff up. One of the most horrifying moments for me was seeing the school psychologist, who I had been talking to and who was supposed to be on my side trying to help me (but who I urged not to tell my parents what was happening because I would kill myself if they found out) talking to the Devil in the school yard. He said something, she laughed. She was making very loving gestures toward him. She found him CHARMING and AMUSING! The Devil!! That monster that made me learn what hate feels like!!

I lost all hope in adults. I continued to deal with it on my own. Dance was my escape.

A few years later, I sunk into a major depression. The war was still raging. I still had to see the same people in my neighborhood, although they didn’t bother me any longer. Before, I had to have my friends check the area was clear before I could walk down the street just to get to school. Now I was passing by them pretending I didn’t even see them there. But the “leaders” I really didn’t see around. Fortunately.

I decided to go abroad and escape from all the troubles. That saved me. Because, somehow, I never lost faith in my own humanity. I always subconsciously felt that I was better than them. And I felt reassured once I realized that in normal societies, different rules applied. Kindness was regarded as a virtue, not a weakness or stupidity. Rudeness was not tolerated at all.

 

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I visited my family frequently, and I have had two encounters with my torturers.

One of them ended up as a cab driver. I hailed a taxi, and it was him. He recognized me in the rear-view mirror and only then I noticed him. Ten years have gone by, I was so over that horrible past!  I was very happy with my life and I felt no hate towards him, just forgiveness and pity. He started apologizing to me, telling me he was a kid and that now he already had two children (!)and that he has changed. It’s ok, I said. I live far away from all of this anyway and I DON’T CARE. I was so above the whole situation. We get to the destination and he says that it’s on him. No, please, no way, I say. I leave him double the amount and I exit the car. It felt so good!!! I ended that chapter of my life finally, I thought.

A few years later, I met the Devil.

I was driving my dad’s car and I stopped for some pedestrians to cross. It was him. He looked straight at me (probably to make sure he could cross) and when I realized it was him, my whole body went numb. I don’t know how long that moment lasted, but it felt like he was standing there for a long time. I kept thinking “Will he move already? Did he recognize me? What will he do next? Where do I run?” But his face was cold and his eyes just evil.

The daze ended and I managed to drive off. The whole day I had that feeling of being someone’s prey. It was an awful feeling that I never wanted to feel again.

I still don’t know if he had recognized me that day, but I can recall that moment vividly anytime.

The Devil is a psychopath. I know that now.

I have had two or three  more psychopaths in my life.

One is a cousin of mine, one is an ex-friend and the third is my dad’s wife.

The evil stepmother, I know. Such a cliche. Again, I am not making this up, if I did it would be too cheesy. She is a true psychopath. My father does not speak to my grandma (his mom), my sister (his daughter) and does not have any friends left. Because of her.

But that is a long story and I will tell it some other time.

xoxoxo

 

 

 

  • dora

    Very informative Blog. It’s nice to have some background information on how you became interested in this topic. I too had my brush with kids that I think were perhaps psychopathic when I was in school. They were just terrible, just awful and like in your case, adults seemed to normalize their behavior. I don’t subscribe to the notion that they are just kids and that’s what kids do. Being a compassionate, caring “human” starts early in life, lack of empathy is not normal simply because someone is young or a child. Again, nice blog! Sorry you had to go through so much to get to the place where you are now, but your experience will undoubtedly help countless others.

  • Michelle

    From my own experience and observations, psychopaths isolate their victims and can rub off on others. My psychopathic friend from school turned people around her into cold hearted bullies. She even rubbed off on me and turned me against someone I considered to be a friend. She would sit there, perfectly calm throughout the whole thing, and I just did not understand it. At all. I felt like crying at some of the things she did and said, and I just sat there like a wimp and took it. If I could go back in time I would tell her to shut up, and then I would proceed to walk away from her.

    From now on, if I notice that someone is a chronic gossiper, tries to turn people against each other, and has a calmness about them when others would not, I stay the Hell away. I used to be drawn to calm and quiet people, thinking that they were approachable. I was so wrong. I can see her traits in others now. The calmness, the glow, and they like to widen their eyes and they never turn and look at me directly. They usually just face forward at look at me from the side.

    It sounds like the Devil rubbed off on the other kids. My “friend” did that to others. It’s funny, because all of us were nice and innocent before we became her friend and then mean and evil like her after the fact, and once we quit talking to her we started feeling and doing better. And she did not care. She sat there so perfectly calm and still, no worry at all, not caring, and it scares the crap out of me.

    • Thanks for commenting.
      Yes, psychopaths have the power to do just what you described. They love to create chaos and hate between people around them. Psychopathic leaders can brainwash their followers, so that the whole group, gang or even nation becomes psychopathic. This is called “secondary psychopathy” and I will write about it soon.

  • Lavinia

    wow, I have read few posts of yours here and, as an Eastern European
    myself, living abroad now too, all I can say is “wow, I have finally
    read some words of a person who can really understand my struggle”.
    After every visit back home I feel that I go to a zone of insanity and
    psychopathy. Members of my family have such traits too. I am as well a
    victim of one, and all the advice you give on how to deal with a
    psychopath is just spot on. All those things, like how they feel your
    insecurities and how normal people are invisible to them, it’s just
    amazing because I judged them the same way. Thank you so much, I am so
    happy to find clarity here and a feeling that I am not alone in this and
    also that my suffering and my struggle is real and justified.

    • Thank you, Lavinia. I am glad that we can find each other and other people who think like us through this blog.
      I just have one suggestion: do not give out your email for everyone to see. You might get lots of spam in your mail, and maybe even get emails from various psychos who also visit blogs like this. If you can go back and edit your comment, erase the email (I copied it already). If not, tell me and I will erase your comment.
      This is also why I don’t reveal my full identity on this blog.
      Also, it would be nice to exchange our experiences and thoughts here on this blog, so that we can also help someone else open their eyes to psychopathy and, hopefully, help them to get out of a painful situation. 🙂
      Take care, Z

      ,

  • trish

    I was married to a psychopath for 4 years. i had no idea until the end. I know all about psychopaths and what they are about and after my husband who i was so in