How to Deal with a Psychopath- Part 1

So, I was gone for a while. I visited my hometown and had a really interesting time with my family, and those who desperately wished to be  a part of it. I am talking about my psychopathic step mom.

I finally dealt her a major blow. And what followed was amazing time with my father and my kids, day after day. My sister and him started talking and he apologized to my grandma, his mom. I had no idea it was even possible.

Here is how I did it.

Firstly, if you missed my post about this female psychopath, let me say a few words about her again. She’s been married to my father for 5-6 long and stressful years. She  clings to my father like a leach, controlling every aspect of his life. She isolated him from the rest of the world and then they made some new friends together. She does not want him to have a past.

My father and my mother divorced about 17 years ago. They were on good terms before she came along. Now, my dad does not say hi when he sees her on the street. Or, should I say when they see her on the street, since he is never without his wife.

I am certain that she wishes my sister and I would disappear. My father is also aware of that. Yet she pretends that she loves us and goes into such overacting mode about it, that it is plain weird.

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I always gave her the cold shoulder. I just can’t stand fake people. I am friendly and all, but I’m sorry I can’t love someone right when I meet them. And I did have good relationships with my father’s exes. She comes along, and all of a sudden she thinks she is part of the family, just because they are married, and she can be the boss. What? I am not underage, I don’t need her “loving advice”. It was all very irritating.

I put up with that for a while but things got really out of hand and it’s too complicated to even get into. The point is, I was the only one left speaking to my father, but I live far away. I knew (because it happens every time) that the minute I arrive in my home town the shit will hit the fan.

Every time I arrive, first I try to see my dad, she is there and we act civilized. I try to see him again, she is there, she won’t let me talk to him but tries to be the center of attention, and my dad is not like himself. The third time I insist to see him alone, I get into a crying fight over the phone, and we don’t speak or see each other until the very end of my visit. The usually go on a vacation during the time that we don’t speak.

That same scenario happens twice a year.

This time was no different. Only they decided to leave town on the day that I arrived with my husband and the kids. For eight or nine whole days. The day that they came back, I called him to come over. He immediately got mad that I did not invite her. He said that he will see me only with her present (that’s the main cause of our fight every time) and that I can only come to his apartment with the kids if I want to see him. Let me also mention that our apartments are on the same street, but that it was already nine o’clock, pretty late for small kids.

I start crying and we get into a huge fight over the phone. I really thought I was never going to see my father again. I was so hurt that he always gives me such ultimatums. I basically said enjoy the rest of your life with your idiot wife. I will never ever accept her, she lost my trust and will never gain it back and you can come see me and your grandchildren anytime you want without her.

This same exact fight happened many times before, with the same exact words, me asking why is she listening to our phone conversations, and him only repeating in a brainwashed kind of way: she loves you, she wants to be part of the family, you are the one causing problems, you are the one who has a heart full of hate, you are disrespecting me, she is there for me.

I reminded him of all the hurtful things she had done behind my back, behind my sister’s and my grandma’s backs, even behind his back, how she deliberately tried to turn us one against another, how she manipulated him, how this kind of jealousy towards a husband’s kids was not normal, that I was never her competition, and so on, but he just kept repeating the same thing about her feelings being hurt because she wants to be a part of the family! Which one, the one she tried to divide into even smaller pieces?

I hung up the phone.

He called me back saying that his wife got really offended and that she was leaving the apartment. And would we please come over. (My point for not coming over was that if I see her I can only get into a fight with her because I can’t take it any longer and she brings out the worst in me, in everybody. And it would not be respectful to come to her place and attack her verbally, especially not in front of the kids.) He reassured me that she was going. It sounded a bit out of character for her to leave but  I really wanted to see my father so I believed him. I saw this as a  chance to talk to him maybe for the last time. So I went over there.

I bought a bottle of wine and some other small present and arrived with my husband and kids ( I asked my husband to come because I thought my father would be less nervous with him around, and I would be less nervous also). Just as we got comfortable, the psycho step mom came back into the apartment! I don’t know if it was a mutual decision (my father denied it), but it was certainly a trap and a very unpleasant one.

Immediately she started confronting me: what do I have against her, why am I so disrespectful, she is my fathers legal wife, my father did so much for me and this is how I treat him…and..I…just…lost it!!!

All the politeness vanished. All the respect for my father vanished. I was loosing him and I knew it. He was willing to give us up for her anyway.

So I started screaming at her all kind of swearwords, calling her all kinds of names, one of them being the word “psychopath”. That she can smile all she wants but that I see pure evil and a cold heart in her. That she keeps my father in a cage and that she cannot tell me it is love because that’s bullshit. That a marriage license to me means nothing.

I told her that I see through her every time she opens her mouth. That she can’t fool me when she talks about God and how virtuous she is. (She plays on that card a lot.)

Basically, I went crazy. For someone seeing us for the first time, it would look as though she is the normal one.

I was out of control completely. My husband said he never saw me like that. Later I felt horrible that it all happened in front of the kids. I wanted to leave immediately, but my father kept trying to get me to sit down and to calm down.

I sit down, I try to calm down, and to talk to my father. But she can’t keep her mouth shut, she has to jump in and answer for him. For example, when I said “You disappear whenever I’m in town and you don’t really care about seeing your grandchildren.” She steps in “But you can’t except your father to raise your kids, he has already done so much for you, and now you want him to raise your kids for you. It’s not fair. You girls have no understanding for your father. He gave you a nice life…” She goes on and on!!!

I lost it again. I basically said the same things all over again and that I can not be easily manipulated, that I see through her and I am not a fool. That she is mean, evil, malevolent person and I cannot stand being in the same room with her listening to her manipulative crap.

I left. I cried the whole night.

I sent my father a text message that night, telling him how sorry I was, how I lost control but that it was something I had to get out I guess.

Again, I thought that our relationship was over.

But the next day, I was surprised in the most beautiful way. My father called and asked me to meet him at a cafe! Alone!

We met and we talked, and I cried, and I saw glimpses of my old dad-the best dad in the world. We talked like adults, but we did not talk much about her. He just tried to tell me that she does have good intentions, but I replied that I will never see it and that I would not be able to get along with her even if she was my own mother.

After that he came over every day, played with the kids, saw my sister and her son for the first time in 4-5 months, went to see my grandma and got on his knees and begged for her forgiveness (trust me, he had a reason to get on his knees). My grandma called and said that whatever I did, it worked.

For years I tried to be polite, I tried to be respectful, I tried to be civilized. And I would give her my finger, she would twist my arm, so to speak. The nicer you are, the more they win.

With psychopaths, you have to play their game. You have to get down to their level. Let them know that you know what they are. That you are not an easy target. That you are not a fool.

And do it in front of someone who fell under their influence.

Hopefully this will work for you too! Good luck!

 

 

 

 

  • Daffyd Landegge

    Your step mom sounds more like she is a classic Narcissist (not a psychopath). Your dad is a moron for allowing her to control him in such a way that causes problems with the relationship of his own family. And you sound like a little child that never grew up (possess some serious maturity issues). You sound like you are either 14 or 16 (honestly).
    Does your step mom do things for the sheer pleasure of causing pain? = sociopath. Does she do them out of some kind of preset programmed response? = psychopath. Does she do them to strictly feed her ego? = Antisocial Personality Disorder. Or does she seem to do them because its popular or seems to gain her acceptance in some strange way? = Borderline Personality Disorder. Not every person who is not nice is a pyschopath. This is the shit TV shows and the media feed (its chum for the many suckers and morons out there–experts and professionals are no exception). Some people you would never know to be psychopaths.
    So please grow up and learn how to handle things a bit more adult-like…like okay [being sarcastic and mocking]. I am shocked you didn’t spread a “like” into every 5th word you probably use when speaking. And please take the time to edit what you write and revise it…you easily display your emotional and mental “handicaps” in your article (it gets worse the closer to the end it gets). At this rate you would have finished with a “Grrr!” and then an “AHHhhhh!”

    • zzanita

      Ladies and Gentlemen, below is a comment of a psychopath. He sees people as “morons” and as “little children” if they have emotions, and he is ruthless with his critiques. He feels superior and tries to inflict emotion pain just for the fun of it. Plus he gets irritated reading about emotional “handicaps” because he does not understand them.

      I allowed this one comment for you to see what it is like dealing with a psychopath. I will allow any genuine comment, but this is my blog and I can chose to keep psychopaths out of it. This is not a friendly place for them. Sorry, Daffyd.

      And to my other readers, yes, I am like a little girl when dealing with my father. I will always be his little girl, as I am sure many of you understand. It is heartbreaking to see a grown man who was a loving, funny, educated, successful guy who had a large circle of friends become a bitter and mean guy who thinks that everyone is causing him harm (everyone but the person who is actually causing it).

      And It is not just that she is not nice, she is dangerous. She could be very nice, actually. Every time I met with her I would have to remind myself that is it only an act because she could be very
      friendly and charming to the point where you would feel guilty for having a bad opinion about her.

      And when you are dealing with a psychopath, your life does look like a bad movie or a soap opera. My sister and I seriously discussed how we think she was capable of poisoning him. My father even accidentally found some fake doctor’s reports on his name that stated he had epilepsy. We have no idea what she planned with that, but it does sound like she was setting up an “accident”.

      I am not a psychologist and I am not a professional writer. I am just a human trying to help other humans. And the more psychos I piss off along the way, the better :))

    • Delno_Rutherford

      Goodness me..WHAT a horrible person you are, Daffyd. If you don’t have anything nice and constructive to say, don’t say it.

      • Daffyd Landegge

        Unlike you Delno, I don’t pretend to be some goody-2-shoes. I missed the part where I claimed to be some saint. We are all adults here and if you can’t take tough criicism, don’t post your personal shit online. all I did was call her out on the obvious. Anything you or anybody else says will not change her being a “victim” if she so chooses to be. Just becuase I choose not to treat her like a wittle baby doesn’t make me a horrible person. Coming from someone like you I take that as a compliment. It means that there are still some normal people out there who live by the old school methods (when shit actually got done and people have tougher skin).

        By the way, you think that is attacking or trying to insult…you do not know me very well. I am at least helping her by telling her the fucking the truth…what are you doing? Giving her sympathy…the very same thing that got her in such a situation to begin with. YOur “ah, poor baby routine” is just helping her dig deeper in the hole she put herself in. A real adult would have given up on their pathetic parent by now. She is vulnerable because she likes to play the “victim.” Learn to read between the lines..perhaps you are too blinded by your self-serving sympathy you keep throwing out.

        • MortenBLarsen

          People with tough skins don’t write shitty books like yours.
          Rather than posting hateful comments on random blogs, please spend some time trying to write a decent book and stop pretending to be an author.
          Now shoo..back to the dark cracks your crawled out from.

          • Delno_Rutherford

            Thanks 🙂

    • Angel

      You are actually correct in some of the things you say…’some’. Interestingly, are you a Psychopath yourself, or Narcissist, Anti-social or just all around mean? Did you enjoy wielding ‘some’ correct knowledge, your cleverness & intent to cause hurt or injury out of (1) ego…(2)popular or seems to gain her acceptance in some strange way… (3) preset programmed response…or (4) none of the above? umm…

  • Delno_Rutherford

    ZZanita, it’s quite unfortunate what you have had to go through.

    Your ‘step mother’ is more like a sociopath on the DSM-V scale, possibly nearer to the Narcissistic -Borderline Personality Disorder on the spectrum.
    (Unless she has impulsively murdered or mutilated people and you are yet to find out)

    But of cause the average joe/jane on the street would casually refer to all of these as psychopathic traits.

    You can check out the symptoms below.
    http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

    I strongly suggest that since you and your sister still deeply love and care for your father, to get a very good Psychiatrist and psychologist to help you map out a strategy to deal with your step mother and save your father, this will probably cost you so you should save up for it. And then pray..

    At this point your father needs some kind of miracle she has her evil talons way too deep into him. He will also need to see her for who she is and be brave enough to escape (for this to change he also has to change as a person…and drop his life long clinginess to women..these women tend to use sex and “love” as a weapon of manipulation).

    But this plan has to be carried out is a way that she will not find out, cause with such people you can never really know, she could murder him or you out of jealousy/rage for all you know

    • logical

      Pray? LOL I actually had to reread that twice to make sure I saw that correctly.

      If ever there were a more USELESS action to take, or false belief to assume, it’s that prayer can protect/save you (or anyone) from harm. Seriously, if you’re a follower of one of the Abrahamic religions, you’re WILLINGLY worshiping a callous, merciless diety that inflicts (or allows) a whole lot of unnecessary suffering on innocent, helpless individuals, i.e. newborn babies born with life-threatening illnesses, children that are raped/tortured/murdered, tsunamis that maim and/or drown thousands of humans/animals in a matter of minutes, I could go on and on about the sadistic and apathetic character of any so-called god(s) that any religion worships.

      Now, if the delusion that prayer (or a god) can actually save you from unfortunate circumstances somehow makes you feel better, or allows you to mentally compartmentalize the fact that horrific things can happen to decent human beings and maintaining the delusion relieves some of your fear and anxiety, then pray to your hearts content. Just don’t be so foolish as to delude yourself that it (or any god) will keep you or your loved ones safe.

      Thousands of devout christians, muslims, jews, hindus, JWs, mormons, moonies (and every other religious denomination/sect/cult that humankind has created) are victims of predatory personalities, disease, natural disasters….EVERY SINGLE DAY. Surviving any of those destructive forces is largely due to two variables…survival instinct and random chance. Recovery requires resilience.

      • Delno_Rutherford

        Ever heard of what a ‘Figure of speech’ is?

  • Angel

    May I respectfully recommend a Mental Health Nursing book that I had in Senior Nursing called: Author: Varcarolis: Essentials of Psychiatric Mental Health Nursing, 2nd Edition. I think it’s a great resource for understanding mental illness better. Some of the S & S shared suggest Borderline Personality Disorder.