How to Deal with a Psychopath- Part 1

So, I was gone for a while. I visited my hometown and had a really interesting time with my family, and those who desperately wished to be  a part of it. I am talking about my psychopathic step mom.

I finally dealt her a major blow. And what followed was amazing time with my father and my kids, day after day. My sister and him started talking and he apologized to my grandma, his mom. I had no idea it was even possible.

Here is how I did it.

Firstly, if you missed my post about this female psychopath, let me say a few words about her again. She’s been married to my father for 5-6 long and stressful years. She  clings to my father like a leach, controlling every aspect of his life. She isolated him from the rest of the world and then they made some new friends together. She does not want him to have a past.

My father and my mother divorced about 17 years ago. They were on good terms before she came along. Now, my dad does not say hi when he sees her on the street. Or, should I say when they see her on the street, since he is never without his wife.

I am certain that she wishes my sister and I would disappear. My father is also aware of that. Yet she pretends that she loves us and goes into such overacting mode about it, that it is plain weird.

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I always gave her the cold shoulder. I just can’t stand fake people. I am friendly and all, but I’m sorry I can’t love someone right when I meet them. And I did have good relationships with my father’s exes. She comes along, and all of a sudden she thinks she is part of the family, just because they are married, and she can be the boss. What? I am not underage, I don’t need her “loving advice”. It was all very irritating.

I put up with that for a while but things got really out of hand and it’s too complicated to even get into. The point is, I was the only one left speaking to my father, but I live far away. I knew (because it happens every time) that the minute I arrive in my home town the shit will hit the fan.

Every time I arrive, first I try to see my dad, she is there and we act civilized. I try to see him again, she is there, she won’t let me talk to him but tries to be the center of attention, and my dad is not like himself. The third time I insist to see him alone, I get into a crying fight over the phone, and we don’t speak or see each other until the very end of my visit. The usually go on a vacation during the time that we don’t speak.

That same scenario happens twice a year.

This time was no different. Only they decided to leave town on the day that I arrived with my husband and the kids. For eight or nine whole days. The day that they came back, I called him to come over. He immediately got mad that I did not invite her. He said that he will see me only with her present (that’s the main cause of our fight every time) and that I can only come to his apartment with the kids if I want to see him. Let me also mention that our apartments are on the same street, but that it was already nine o’clock, pretty late for small kids.

I start crying and we get into a huge fight over the phone. I really thought I was never going to see my father again. I was so hurt that he always gives me such ultimatums. I basically said enjoy the rest of your life with your idiot wife. I will never ever accept her, she lost my trust and will never gain it back and you can come see me and your grandchildren anytime you want without her.

This same exact fight happened many times before, with the same exact words, me asking why is she listening to our phone conversations, and him only repeating in a brainwashed kind of way: she loves you, she wants to be part of the family, you are the one causing problems, you are the one who has a heart full of hate, you are disrespecting me, she is there for me.

I reminded him of all the hurtful things she had done behind my back, behind my sister’s and my grandma’s backs, even behind his back, how she deliberately tried to turn us one against another, how she manipulated him, how this kind of jealousy towards a husband’s kids was not normal, that I was never her competition, and so on, but he just kept repeating the same thing about her feelings being hurt because she wants to be a part of the family! Which one, the one she tried to divide into even smaller pieces?

I hung up the phone.

He called me back saying that his wife got really offended and that she was leaving the apartment. And would we please come over. (My point for not coming over was that if I see her I can only get into a fight with her because I can’t take it any longer and she brings out the worst in me, in everybody. And it would not be respectful to come to her place and attack her verbally, especially not in front of the kids.) He reassured me that she was going. It sounded a bit out of character for her to leave but  I really wanted to see my father so I believed him. I saw this as a  chance to talk to him maybe for the last time. So I went over there.

I bought a bottle of wine and some other small present and arrived with my husband and kids ( I asked my husband to come because I thought my father would be less nervous with him around, and I would be less nervous also). Just as we got comfortable, the psycho step mom came back into the apartment! I don’t know if it was a mutual decision (my father denied it), but it was certainly a trap and a very unpleasant one.

Immediately she started confronting me: what do I have against her, why am I so disrespectful, she is my fathers legal wife, my father did so much for me and this is how I treat him…and..I…just…lost it!!!

All the politeness vanished. All the respect for my father vanished. I was loosing him and I knew it. He was willing to give us up for her anyway.

So I started screaming at her all kind of swearwords, calling her all kinds of names, one of them being the word “psychopath”. That she can smile all she wants but that I see pure evil and a cold heart in her. That she keeps my father in a cage and that she cannot tell me it is love because that’s bullshit. That a marriage license to me means nothing.

I told her that I see through her every time she opens her mouth. That she can’t fool me when she talks about God and how virtuous she is. (She plays on that card a lot.)

Basically, I went crazy. For someone seeing us for the first time, it would look as though she is the normal one.

I was out of control completely. My husband said he never saw me like that. Later I felt horrible that it all happened in front of the kids. I wanted to leave immediately, but my father kept trying to get me to sit down and to calm down.

I sit down, I try to calm down, and to talk to my father. But she can’t keep her mouth shut, she has to jump in and answer for him. For example, when I said “You disappear whenever I’m in town and you don’t really care about seeing your grandchildren.” She steps in “But you can’t except your father to raise your kids, he has already done so much for you, and now you want him to raise your kids for you. It’s not fair. You girls have no understanding for your father. He gave you a nice life…” She goes on and on!!!

I lost it again. I basically said the same things all over again and that I can not be easily manipulated, that I see through her and I am not a fool. That she is mean, evil, malevolent person and I cannot stand being in the same room with her listening to her manipulative crap.

I left. I cried the whole night.

I sent my father a text message that night, telling him how sorry I was, how I lost control but that it was something I had to get out I guess.

Again, I thought that our relationship was over.

But the next day, I was surprised in the most beautiful way. My father called and asked me to meet him at a cafe! Alone!

We met and we talked, and I cried, and I saw glimpses of my old dad-the best dad in the world. We talked like adults, but we did not talk much about her. He just tried to tell me that she does have good intentions, but I replied that I will never see it and that I would not be able to get along with her even if she was my own mother.

After that he came over every day, played with the kids, saw my sister and her son for the first time in 4-5 months, went to see my grandma and got on his knees and begged for her forgiveness (trust me, he had a reason to get on his knees). My grandma called and said that whatever I did, it worked.

For years I tried to be polite, I tried to be respectful, I tried to be civilized. And I would give her my finger, she would twist my arm, so to speak. The nicer you are, the more they win.

With psychopaths, you have to play their game. You have to get down to their level. Let them know that you know what they are. That you are not an easy target. That you are not a fool.

And do it in front of someone who fell under their influence.

Hopefully this will work for you too! Good luck!