“Whoever is in love with a psychopath, must be a masochist!”
“How can she be in love with an such a horrible person? What is wrong with her? Is she stupid?”
People love to judge others. It makes them feel better about themselves; they are sure that they would never in a million years make such bad choices.
Well, the picture is always much clearer from farther away…
The truth is, when it comes to psychopaths, we could all be fooled by their charm and seductiveness. No one is completely safe.
The most important thing to know before we judge is that anyone who is in love with a psychopath is a victim of a serious mind game. They are not in love with a real person, but a very well presented imaginary one. They have not seen the real face of the person they are in love with, not because they are stupid, but because the psychopath is more careful around them with his mask.
Psychopaths don’t want to be “loved for who they are” like the rest of us. They don’t need love and don’t understand love. All they understand is having power over another person. There is no room for any kind of love there.
If their victims knew that they were pouring love into heartless, bottomless black holes, they would run the other way for sure.
What keeps the victims “madly in love” (literally losing their mind) is the outstanding performance of deceit that causes them great confusion and desperate hope that, somehow, everything will turn out fine in the end. It has to. It is only logical that so much “misunderstanding” must be resolved in the end.
It’s because regular people don’t even consider the possibility that someone could be that deceitful. It goes against everything we know about the human nature. The victims’ only mistake is not knowing the signs of a psychopath.
It is true that psychopaths pick their victims very carefully. They usually observe them for some time before they go into action. What they look for is weakness. They look for people who are vulnerable. And even the strongest people can have brief period of vulnerability, during a major change or loss. Or the victim could have really small “cracks” in their personality (or personal relationships) where a psychopath can insert himself like a computer virus.
In the end, it could be any one of us. We are not perfect. We have our wounds and if we are not careful, psychopaths will first start mending them, and then slowly adding salt to them.
Reasons why we fall in love with a psychopath
People usually fall in love with a psychopath very quickly. It is not something that develops over time, through friendship, etc. Remember, they are hunters. They have to act quick.
This is how they catch their prey:
- They are attractive– Psychopaths know that people generally take physical appearance into great consideration (even if only subconsciously). They value it very much themselves, so they are usually attractive (they work out, they dress nice, they don’t shy away from plastic surgery, etc.) Women psychopaths use this as their main weapon with men, because they know that the basic instincts are sometimes very hard to control, so they dress sexy and “work it”.
- They are confident– this is very important, because it is likely the most important factor working in psychopaths’ favor. We are generally mesmerized by confident people: we want to be their friends, we want to follow their lead, we want to be liked by them, we want to be around them and to mix genes with them. We find confidence very attractive, and it is usually more important than the actual physical build, facial features, etc. It is the very thing that makes someone attractive (for most people). It gives them this charisma, this magic aura that we pick up on immediately on a subconscious level during our first meeting. That first impression then stays with us for a long time and it is very difficult for us to accept that the feeling was wrong.
- They are completely focused on us-the reason why psychopaths are so confident is because they don’t give a “fig” about how they are being perceived by others, a concern that we constantly have in the back of our heads (being social creatures and all). They are just focused on their prey. And that, for the “prey,” feels like heaven. Here you have a gorgeous, charming, sexy, out-of-your-league (judging by their confidence) man/woman, and they seem infatuated by you! They want to know all about you, and seem like they are getting “lost in your eyes”. Kind of like a frog being hypnotized by a snake.
- They tell us exactly what we want to hear-Now, imagine adding some compliments into the equation. Not only that, but after they find out what we like and value, they take on a persona that is our ideal match. They just happen to have the same exact interests, hobbies or plans for the future.
- They become very serious about the relationship very quickly-psychopaths usually push things forward too fast because they can’t allow the prey to slip away. If we wanted to think things through after this fatal meeting, we are not given a chance. They move in, they propose, they don’t let us have a moment of doubt that they are our soulmates.
Reasons why we stay in love with a psychopath
Now fast-forward to a live-in couple who met in the described way. The psychopath is sucking the money and the life out of his victim like a parasite, and the victim is unable to see the truth even though he/she is miserable.
Even after everyone around them sees that the victims are being taken advantage of, they usually take too long to wake up from their “hypnoses”.
This is why they stay infatuated with their torturer:
- It’s hard to forget about that first impression-They say it’s the same with heroin: the first high is great, and everything goes downhill from there. Every user that shoots the drug is hoping for that same feeling he felt that one time a long time ago, and never stops chasing it.
- It is hard to see the dark side– they say love is blind. When we are in love, we generally don’t see the flaws of our loved one. It is the period of idealization of another person. Later, slowly, we wake up and start accepting the flaws. Real love develops. With psychopaths, there are no few flaws-it’s the whole person that’s deeply flawed. It’s just a character that the psychopath is playing. It’s much easier to stay blind than to accept it.
- Blaming the victim/ playing the victim-psychopaths play with the mind of their victim. They turn things around to make it look like they are the ones suffering. They play with the victim’s empathy (something they are not capable of) and make him/her feel like a horrible person. This is their best and most effective trick. The victims think that they are the bad guy, they beat themselves up over it, try to make up for it, and feel bad for the psychopath. This takes their attention off the real thing and sends it in a completely opposite direction.
- Isolation-the victims spend all their free time with the psychopath and lose all their friends, rarely see their family. Their “partner” brainwashes them into thinking that they are the victim’s only true friend, that nobody else wishes them well. That way, nobody can tell them about the red flags or help them. If they try, they are “being jealous” or “trying to ruin their happiness”.
Be careful out there. Don’t fall in love with a psychopath.